Ready for Two Breakthroughs in Your Communication with Someone you Care About?
Have you ever felt “not heard” by another? Yes, of course, we all have felt that way. So many arguments are about making a point, and thinking about what we will say next instead of listening. I call this defensive listening: we build our defense as we listen. In truth, defensive listening isn’t listening at all. It’s thinking about what we will say next.
Naturally, our egos want the other people to stop doing this and start paying attention to us. Thus, the volume goes up to force others into listening.
Well, we all know how that ends.
All change comes down to changing whatever process isn’t working. One of the fastest ways to create change is to be the change you want to experience. One powerful key to being this is to empower your listening. Yes, empowering your listening will actually make what you’re saying more understandable and powerful.
How so? Empowering your listening opens a space in which what you’re saying can be heard. When two people argue there’s no free space in which they can hear each other because they both are focused on making their points.
How can you empower your listening then? Discover how to validate as you listen. Validation is not about agreeing with what you hear. It’s about accurately hearing what has been said, and only about accuracy. If the other person hears that you now accurately understand their message, will they tend to calm down or get more frustrated? Being understood is naturally calming.
It works like this: if you can do a good job of accurately paraphrasing what you just heard, then instead to continuing to think of new ways of saying what they have been saying, their mind will pause. They might not even know what to say next. Now, a space has opened. So, what to do with that space? Into that space we will practice the second breakthrough.
So, here’s the 2nd breakthrough: let’s stop trying to fit opinions into the categories of right or wrong, and look at opinions as holding hidden values. What does that mean, and what are “hidden values?”
Obviously, there’s no such thing as a right opinion, but in a disagreement, we forget that. Could realizing there’s something important for us in another’s opinion help us to slow down and understand? Just notice how we believe there’s something vital, something golden in our POV, so vital we will argue for it. What if we could discover something very valuable in another’s opinion or POV?
The second breakthrough is realizing that arguing over opinions is missing the bigger point: beneath the opinion is a hidden message that’s being missed completely.
Let’s imagine a scene where a couple are arguing over what color to paint the living room. Tom wants a darker color and Susan wants a lighter color. Both are arguing for their choice and telling the other person why they are wrong. Neither is listening. Tom says, “darker colors are more relaxing. I need to relax after a long day.” Susan says, “Light colors are more joyful. Our family needs more joy in our living space.” Tom validating Susan could sound like this: “Susan, I hear you saying we need more joy at home.” Susan validating Tom could say: “Tom, I hear you saying we need more relaxation at home.” Now, more understanding is happening and there’s proof that each one is actually listening to the other. This proof of listening is very important. It’s the first breakthrough.
Now, for the second breakthrough. What’s the hidden message? Here are three questions to help you find the hidden message underneath someone’s outspoken opinion. One, which values could be reflected in this opinion? Two, what desire or want is being expressed under this opinion? Three, is there a hidden request in this opinion?
With these three questions in mind, Tom says to Susan, “Sounds like you want us to have more joy at home. Is that true?” If Susan says yes, can you see how that opens or reveals something more important than the paint color? Susan says, “yes, we used to be happier and I want us to be happier again.” Tom says, “I want that for us also.” Now they are moving toward being together, on the same team, not arguing but looking for solutions together. The hidden request is “can we be on the same team?”
The bigger the argument, the more the hidden message is tied to a feeling of survival or a deeper need. Maybe Susan feels more joy is critical to keep the relationship alive? Maybe Tom feels his stress levels are so unhealthy that he must relax more? If they can team up and work together for both joy and relaxation their lives together could go to a new level.
Can you see how believing opinions must be right or wrong will block us from finding common ground, and block us from hearing the deeper messages?
To summarize, breakthrough #1: learn to accurately validate so you can show you’re really understanding what another is making a big effort to say. You want to be understood, so make the effort to communicate what you understand to be sure you’re getting the whole message. Breakthrough #2: see opinions differently, not are right or wrong, but as what we think, feel or believe we need now to live well or survive. In this way, all opinions are “right” from where we stand at that time.
Listening and understanding is changing the process from one of court room adversaries, a lose/win mindset, to team players looking to be a stronger and more skillful team, a win/win mindset. It takes less energy to create win/win outcomes, but it does take more vulnerability and openness. The next step is deciding if you want your life to be more like a courtroom drama or a team endeavor. That decision will ultimately decide your access to breakthroughs 1 and 2.